


in this pale orange light

by geborgenheit



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Graduation, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-26 15:45:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17748743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geborgenheit/pseuds/geborgenheit
Summary: Hyunjin falls in love with Seungmin, slowly, under the pale orange light of the lamp posts by their houses, of the sun as it starts to set when they walk home together from school, of the old lamp inside Hyunjin’s room whenever they would have sleepovers, of the headlights of Seungmin’s beaten old car which he got from his dad but wasn’t supposed to drive yet, of the small lightbulb by the fire exit at theirhagwon’s building.Hyunjin falls in love with Seungmin, easily, naturally, like it’s the only possible culmination of his life as a teenager.Hyunjin falls in love with Seungmin, and it’s everything he could’ve hoped for and more.





	in this pale orange light

**Author's Note:**

> hi!  
> \- english isnt my first language so pls forgive mistakes and inconsistencies etc  
> \- im sorry if the south korean hs life isnt portrayed(?) well i tried to do as much research as i can  
> \- also hi again alex thanks for letting me bother u  
> \- also (2) i just rly wanted hs friends to lovers seungjin bc im emo so here have 12k seungjin

“So, this is it,” Hyunjin tells his own reflection as he stands in front of the full-body mirror inside his bedroom. He looks pretty normal, just the same as he looks every other day when he goes to school. The only difference is that today, there is a heavier weight that comes with shrugging on his outer-coat.

He isn’t even sure why it feels heavy, because, really, it should all just feel a whole lot lighter. After all, it’s graduation day, which only means that the three years of sleepless nights, overworking himself, studying, trying to keep his social life active, _more_ studying—all of these are finally going to pay off once he gets that diploma.

Hyunjin knows he should feel relieved, happy, thankful that high school is finally going to end, but he couldn’t help the feeling of sadness that’s bubbling up inside of him and threatening to spill out of his mouth through words he can’t control and can never take back.

 _Three years_ , Hyunjin thinks. _It all boils down to this._

When he thinks about it, really, sometimes it feels like too much has happened in the span of three years. He remembers long hours at the school, a couple more hours at _hagwon_ , exams he studied so hard for but barely finished answering on the day itself. He remembers shared lunches with Jisung and Felix, Minho and Changbin graduating before him and then coming home with flour and eggs all over their clothes. He remembers thinking he couldn’t wait to graduate, too, but now that he’s here all he wants to do is to go back and relive those moments.

A lot of memories were made during the past three years, and there are a lot to be remembered, really, but what Hyunjin remembers most vividly is a pair of eyes that looked at him with so much concern whenever he cried about his worries, warm hands that held his whenever he needed them to, a voice so comforting that it reminds him of home.

Hyunjin sighs, a long and heavy one, trying to lessen the weight in his chest. Sometimes, he thinks, it also feels like _too little_ has happened over the past three years. It feels as though he hasn’t done anything in the past three years other than study and worry over his studies. The trip he and his friends promised each other to go on before high school ends didn’t happen. Hyunjin didn’t even get to experience half the things some of his older friends told him about, like camping overnight at the beach with friends, flying overseas for an exchange program, going on dates with their girlfriends.

 _Girlfriend_. He’s never had a girlfriend, either. He’s never had anyone to take to concerts or to amusement parks or to nightly walks by the Han River. He turns to look at the plastic bag full of chocolates he received yesterday on Valentine’s Day, all from girls who’ve told him they liked him. He knows this is a very narcissistic thought, but Hyunjin is sure that any of these girls would’ve been willing to go on dates with him if he asked.

The thing is, Hyunjin doesn’t want a girlfriend—he’s never really wanted one. The only person he has ever wanted to take to concerts or to parks is, unfortunately, a _very_ busy person who probably doesn’t have time for stuff like that. And now they’re both graduating; now, there’s no more chance and no more time.

It’s frustrating, really. Very frustrating, that Hyunjin finds his way back to his bed to sit down, but ends lying down flat on his back. His best friend, Kim Seungmin, would scold him so badly if he saw him right now. “Your uniform would get wrinkled!” Hyunjin imagines him saying. He imagines his face clearly, the way his brows would crease in worry and annoyance. He could almost hear his voice, even.

A groan escapes his lips as he runs his hands through his carefully styled hair, messing it up. He wonders if he should just tell his parents that he’s not feeling well today and just sleep the whole graduation ceremony away. The bed feels too warm, too nice, too comforting. He doesn’t want to leave, but then he remembers the countless times he woke up in this same bed with his best friend cuddled up beside him. He smiles at the thought; he’ll surely miss those times. Those times were the _warmest_ his bed has ever felt.

In just the past three years, Hyunjin has fallen asleep with his best friend more than he could remember. They would go home from _hagwon_ , straight to either of their houses, eat dinner with either of their parents, go to either of their bedrooms and study together.

Hyunjin would always be the one to fall asleep first, and Seungmin would always wake him up and tell him to go to the bed so he wouldn’t wake up with a stiff neck. Seungmin would always be the one to wake up first, still, even though he slept much later than Hyunjin, and the latter would always wake up to his books already neatly stacked on his desk.

Every once in a while, there would also be days when Hyunjin wakes up before Seungmin does. Hyunjin particularly likes those days. He would wake up to his best friend still sleeping soundly, sometimes snoring lightly, and he would be the one to arrange all their stuff on his table. Sometimes, he would take out his phone and snap photos of Seungmin sleeping. _For blackmail in the future,_ this is what he always tells himself, knowing full well that he doesn’t have the heart to blackmail anyone with anything. Most times, Hyunjin would just look at him with a soft smile on his face; he would try to memorize the way the sunlight hits Seungmin’s face and hair, the way it makes him look peaceful and a lot less tired than he is. And then he would abruptly look away once his best friend starts to stir.

 _Three years_ , Hyunjin thinks again. _Three years of being in love with Kim Seungmin all boils down to this._

“This is it,” he repeats, this time with a lot more finality.

 

***

 

Hyunjin first sees Seungmin on the night his family moves into the neighborhood.

Hyunjin is eight, still a little groggy from sleeping the whole trip to their new home, so he questions himself whether the boy standing in front of the house opposite theirs is real, or if he’s still asleep and dreaming.

The boy’s small figure is illuminated by the lamppost standing on the right side of what Hyunjin assumed is the boy’s house. He almost doesn’t catch it when the boy smiles at him and waves his hand, before running inside the house he was standing in front of just seconds ago.

He doesn’t even get the chance to smile and wave back at the boy until the next morning, when his mom takes him with her to give the _sirutteok_ she made last night out to their new neighbors.

“Hello!” he hears his mom say, he doesn’t even need to look at her to know that she’s smiling as she greets their new neighbor, a middle-aged lady with brown hair and a kind smile. “We just moved in last night. We made you some _sirutteok_.” Hyunjin watches as his mom hands out the last container of rice cakes.

The lady, Mrs. Kim, if Hyunjin heard correctly, smiles down at him, too, and he decides that she is, by far, their nicest neighbor yet. She invites them in, even, although his mom politely declines. They were about to say goodbye when a boy ( _the_ boy, Hyunjin thinks) walks up to Mrs. Kim and hides shyly behind her.

The boy is still rubbing sleep off of his eyes when Hyunjin beams at him and waves a hand. Both of their mothers laugh fondly.

“Ah, this is my son, Seungmin,” Mrs. Kim introduces before she turns to him and says, “Seungminnie, these are our new neighbors, Mrs. Hwang and her son, Hyunjinnie.”

“Hyunjinnie,” repeats Seungmin, voice small and squeaky and a little nasally. Hyunjin decides he likes Seungmin’s voice. Seungmin blinks once, twice, smiles at Hyunjin and waves back, turns to his mom and greets, “Hello, Mrs. Hwang. Good morning.”

“Good morning, Seungminnie,” Hyunjin’s mom greets back cheerfully. “How old are you?”

“Eight,” Seungmin replies with a curt smile. He resembles his mom, Hyunjin notes.

“Oh, that’s lovely!” Hyunjin’s mom claps her hands once. “Hyunjinnie’s also eight! Maybe you two will see each other in school, right, Jinnie?”

Hyunjin nods enthusiastically, still smiling at Seungmin. He starts primary school next week, and he honestly _is_ nervous about attending a new school, so he hopes that Seungmin will be there, even though they don’t really know each other yet. But Seungmin just lives in the house across from theirs, that means they can easily become friends.

And become friends, they do.

Later that day, Seungmin comes knocking on Hyunjin’s door, asking him if he wants to come play with him _and_ the other boy he’s with. Hyunjin, of course, immediately nods in agreement; he’d really rather play with his new neighbors than sit around at home all day and watch his parents rearrange and reassemble furnitures.

“Be home before dark, okay?” his mom tells him before he rushes out the door.

The boy with Seungmin, Hyunjin learns as soon as they start walking, is named Han Jisung. He lives in the apartment complex at the end of the street, just a few houses away from Hyunjin’s. Jisung is also the same age as them, although he is significantly shorter than both of them.

“I hate this!” Jisung tells Hyunjin, pointing a finger at him. Hyunjin panics slightly, thinking about what he just did wrong in the few minutes they’ve known each other. “Why are you both so tall? We’re supposed to be the same age! I’m even older than Seungmin for a week!”

The bubbling panic Hyunjin felt earlier is replaced by a burst of laughter, which just becomes even more loud when he sees the pout on Jisung’s face. His cheeks are so round, and it makes him look a lot younger than he is. Hyunjin tells him this, but Jisung just glares at him and tells him that one day, he’ll grow taller than both Hyunjin and Seungmin.

“That’s not going to happen soon,” Seungmin teases.

Hyunjin decides he really likes Seungmin.

Jisung sticks his tongue out at the two _taller_ ones. “I miss Minho-hyung,” he huffs out. “I can’t wait until we start primary school.”

Lee Minho, Hyunjin eventually learns, is Jisung’s best friend—or, at least, Jisung claims they are best friends (Minho likes to deny it). He lives on a different street, but often came to the same playground where they’re headed to now. Minho is two years older than them, though, which means he is already in primary school.

“That’s why I can’t see him that much anymore,” Jisung complains. “But when we start going to school, I’ll see him more often!”

Jisung really seems to brighten up whenever he talks about Minho, although it might only just be Hyunjin’s imagination. After all, Jisung seems like a naturally bright person.

Hyunjin decides he likes Jisung, too, and that he wants to meet Minho soon.

When they arrive at the playground, Seungmin points to a building a few meters away. It’s the school where Hyunjin will eventually attend for primary. Seungmin tells him that he and Jisung will be going there, too, and suggests that he and Hyunjin _should_ walk to school together.

“I’m sure Jisung’s gonna walk with Minho-hyung,” Seungmin tells him, pouting. “He won’t walk with me.”

“I’ll walk with you!” Hyunjin promises his new friend. “I’ll walk with you everyday to and from school!”

The smile on Seungmin’s face that's so bright and warm and the way his eyes turn into two lines make Hyunjin think that he never wants to break this promise.

 

***

 

The journey to school is rather different today. Instead of walking, or occasionally taking the bus, to school with Seungmin, Hyunjin is sitting in the backseat of his dad’s car. This is the first time ever since primary that he doesn’t wait for his best friend before going to school. He feels a little uneasy; he’s not used to going to school without Seungmin.

He recalls that one time during primary that he decided to ride his bike on the way to school. Seungmin had told him then that it wasn’t a good idea, since Hyunjin had only recently learned how to ride a bike (Minho had taught him how). They hadn’t gotten far from their houses yet, when Hyunjin toppled over, scraping the back of his hand in the process,  and Seungmin came running to help him up and scold him.

Hyunjin smiles at the memory. That was the first time they were ever late for class, because they went back home to return the bike and decided to just walk instead. Since then, he hasn’t tried to ride his bike to school, even when he’s already gotten really good at it, and even _if_ sometimes he imagines riding it to school with Seungmin riding at the back like the young couples do in the the dramas he sometimes watches when he has the time.

The journey to school today is quieter and calmer, too. Quiter, because there’s no chattering from other students to be heard, and because Seungmin isn’t there to tell him stories _and_ to tell his stories to. There’s nothing to tell, anyway. Hyunjin thinks he’s already said everything last night, and he doesn’t know what else to add to make things better. Calmer, because he doesn’t need to pretend to look at everything else around him when all he really wants to look at is Seungmin—even now, he wishes Seungmin were by his side.

It feels a little _strange_ , too, because school isn’t a place Hyunjin associates with family. School is a place he just goes to with his friends, where he learns about stuff that’s supposed to help him in the future. He would’ve appreciated it, really, if he had learned stuff there about how to handle his situation with Seungmin, too.

“Are you nervous?” his mom suddenly asks from the passenger’s seat. Hyunjin smiles at her and shakes his head.

Hyunjin shouldn’t be nervous, it’s just graduation. He should be happy, really, and relieved because _finally_ he’s graduating. But he _is_ nervous, but not because of the graduation ceremony.

Before he slept last night, he thought the day ended well. It was Valentine’s Day yesterday, after all; it always ends well, with a bunch of sweets and confessions from people who barely even knew him. But yesterday had been slightly different, and when he woke up earlier today, with no texts and replies from Seungmin, he thinks that maybe it didn’t exactly end that well.

“Is Seungminnie giving the speech today?” his dad asks this time.

“He is,” Hyunjin answers with a proud smile, even if he thinks Seungmin might be mad at him for what happened, even if he thinks he’s ruined their friendship and Seungmin won’t talk to him again.

“Ah, his mom must be so proud,” Hyunjin hears his dad say. “Even _I_ am proud of him.”

Hyunjin smiles at the thought. He himself is tremendously proud of his best friend. He’s always known that Seungmin would do extremely well, what with all the studying he does. How he even manages to juggle studying with piano lessons and making time for his friends, Hyunjin has no idea.

“Hyunjinnie,” his mom turns to face him, “we’re proud of you, too.”

Hyunjin beams at her. “Thank you,” he tells her. She smiles at him once again and turns back to face the front.

“We should invite them for lunch later,” Hyunjin hears her say. He would love that, really, but he thinks of how painfully awkward it might be because Seungmin probably hates him now.

 _Seungmin doesn’t hate me_ , Hyunjin tries to tell himself. _I just have to apologize. Seungmin will understand_.

Because Seungmin always does. He always understands Hyunjin’s unwarranted, unnecessary worries. Whenever Hyunjin has doubts about himself and the future, or has small and petty problems, Seungmin is always there to hold his hand even when he cries.

But this is different, he thinks, because this is something that he’s done and even though he’s still pretty sure that Seungmin _does_ understand why he did it, he isn’t sure if Seungmin is happy about it or not, and the thought of potentially making Seungmin upset, especially on such big a day as today, makes Hyunjin upset too.

“We’re here,” his dad announces before turning to face him. “Hyunjin, go, we’ll see you later.”

Hyunjin smiles at both of his parents and nods. He guesses he’ll find out whether Seungmin hates him or not later when he sees him.

 

***

 

Hyunjin keeps the promise he made to Seungmin on the very first day they met. He walks with him to and from school every day, and has been doing so for the past six years. Today, too, he waits for Seungmin outside his house.

Middle school has already started, and lucky for Hyunjin, he still goes to the same school as Seungmin, Jisung, and Minho. Hyunjin considers himself even more lucky, because he’s still in the same class as Seungmin. Jisung, however, is in a different class, while Minho is, of course, in a different grade.

“Hey,” Seungmin greets him when he finally comes out the door. “Sorry I’m a bit late today.”

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin assures him with a smile. “We might run into Jisung and Minho-hyung.”

“I don’t think Minho-hyung would appreciate that,” Seungmin mumbles.

“What do you mean?”

Seungmin just shrugs. Hyunjin doesn’t understand it whenever Seungmin comments stuff like this about Minho (specially when it concerns Jisung), but he guesses Seungmin just knows Minho better than he does, considering they knew each other far longer.

Sometimes, Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel jealous of Minho and Jisung, because they knew Seungmin a few years before he did, therefore they probably know some things about Seungmin that he doesn’t. He specially feels jealous of Minho, though, because he knows how much Seungmin looks up to the guy. It’s not like Hyunjin doesn’t understand _why_ Seungmin does, it’s just that sometimes Seungmin looks at Minho… _differently_ , almost like how Minho looks at Jisung—just _almost_ , though, because there really is something different about the way the older looks at Jiusng if compared to how he looks at any other person in their friend group.

Hyunjin just dismisses the thought as Minho and Jisung being best friends. Although, when he thinks about it, he and Seungmin are best friends, too, but Seungmin doesn't look at him like that, nor does he look at Seungmin like that. _Or… do I?_ He asks himself. He didn’t have time to answer his own question, though, because right then they see the two stopping in their tracks to wait for them.

“Hyunjin! Seungmin!” Jisung shouts from the corner of the street, smiling and waving his hands up in the air, with Minho standing beside him. “Walk faster!”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Seungmin replies as he deliberately walks _slower_. Hyunjin laughs. He always enjoys Seungmin’s pettiness as long as it isn’t directed at him.

Hyunjin grabs his hand, though, “Seungminnie,” he says, “we’re gonna be late if you do that.” Seungmin just scowls, but he lets Hyunjin pull him along. “Good morning, Jisungie, Minho-hyung!” he greets them.

“Someone’s cheerful today,” Minho says.

“Hyung, Hyunjin’s always cheerful,” Jisung points out.

Seungmin rolls his eyes. “He was talking about me, you dummy,” he tells Jisung.

“But Seungmin isn’t—oh! I get it!” Jisung laughs, elbowing Minho’s side. Seungmin just rolls his eyes again. Hyunjin smiles at all of them.

This is how mornings usually go, really.

Lunch breaks, Hyunjin finds, are a lot more boring because Seungmin and Minho barely join them, and most of the funny (though sometimes mean) banter and exchanges come from them. They’re both members of the student council, and so they both have a different set of responsibilities than Hyunjin and Jisung do. The good thing is, at least, they have two new additions to their friend group, Felix and Changbin.

Lee Felix is Jisung’s classmate; he’s originally from Australia and flew to South Korea with his sister, Doyeon. Seo Changbin is in the grade above them; he’s classmates with Felix’s sister, and that’s how he knows Felix.

Felix is a really nice person, and both Hyunjin and Seungmin like him a lot. Changbin is also a really nice person, but for some reason Seungmin doesn’t really like him that much. Hyunjin guesses it’s just because they haven’t spent that much time together, and so he makes it his mission to get them to like each other.

 

Turns out, two years of talking about how great of a person and a friend Changbin is, only seemed to annoy Seungmin more.

“Why don’t you walk home with Changbin-hyung, then?” Seungmin asks one day while the two of them are walking home from school.

Last year, Jisung used to walk with them, too, because Seungmin and Minho usually go home at the same time due to their duties as part of the student council. Now, though, Minho’s already in high school, and Jisung doesn’t wait for them anymore and goes home instead with Felix and sometimes Changbin.

“Why would I walk home with Changbin-hyung?” Hyunjin replies, perplexed. Changbin doesn’t even live near their houses.

“Since he’s such a great friend, and all,” says Seungmin. Hyunjin is still confused, but then Seungmin tells him, gentler this time, “You don’t have to wait for me everyday, you know? It’s almost six p.m. and the sun’s going down. You should go with Jisung and Felix tomorrow.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“I promised you I’d walk to and from school with you everyday.”

“Hyunjin, that was years ago. We were what, eight?”

“It’s the first promise I ever made you. I don’t wanna break it.”

“It’s okay. I wouldn’t mind.”

“ _I_ would,” Hyunjin says. He stops in his tracks. “Seungminnie,” he sighs. “I’m sorry. You must be getting tired of me.”

“What?! No! Are you crazy?” Seungmin, who was walking a few a steps ahead earlier, frantically runs back to where Hyunjin is frozen in place. “That’s not what I meant!”

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin repeats, head downcast. He can see Seungmin’s shadow on the ground as it joins his own. It makes his stomach feel… weird. And then Seungmin suddenly holds both his hands, and it makes his stomach feel _weirder_.

“Hyunjinnie, that’s not what I meant,” Seungmin tells him again, his voice soft, and Hyunjin suddenly recalls how much he liked Seungmin’s voice back when they were younger and Seungmin would sing him songs with the wrong lyrics but always with the right melody.

When Hyunjin finally looks up, he finds Seungmin’s face close to his and it makes him back away slightly. Seungmin just gazes back at him, though, and Hyunjin wonders why he’s never noticed until now how beautiful Seungmin’s eyes are—in the light of the sun, they looked lighter, glossier, and Hyunjin thinks he could see gold sparkling in them.

Then Seungmin lets go of one his hands, turns his back to him, and says in his serious-student-council-voice, “Hwang Hyunjin, you better wait for me every single day before going home from school unless you’re physically unable to.”

Hyunjin smiles so wide, his cheeks ache.

Then Seungmin turns back to face him again, and he was smiling. Hyunjin thinks the way the sunlight hits him and drowns him in a sea of warm orange glow is worth waiting for him every single day of his life.

 

***

 

“Hyunjin!” Felix calls from outside the classroom. He’s already clad up in his graduation gown, his blond hair carefully swept to the side. He looks like a prince from one of those foreign movies he had once forced Hyunjin and Jisung to watch with him at the cinema—except he’s wearing a graduation gown and smiling so widely and waving so enthusiastically at Hyunjin.

“Hyunjinnie!” Jisung suddenly appears behind Felix. He’s carrying his own gown in one arm and waving at Hyunjin with the other. He greets Hyunjin with a hug as soon as the latter steps out. “Where’s Seungminnie?” he asks when they pull apart.

Hyunjin shrugs. He hasn’t seen Seungmin yet, either. He guesses Seungmin is busy practicing his speech, or talking to some teachers, probably. It’s better, though, since he thinks he isn’t ready to face Seungmin yet.

“We’ll get to see him on stage later,” Felix tells them. “So cool,” he adds.

“It’s not that cool,” says Jisung. “He’s probably just gonna talk about his boring classes and shit.”

Hyunjin laughs. “His boring classes are _my_ boring classes, too, Jisung,” he points out. Just like in middle school, Hyunjin and Seungmin have still been placed in the same class in high school, while Felix and Jisung were in a different class. Jisung likes to joke that he’s almost forgotten how Seungmin looks like because, even though they live just a few houses apart, he barely sees the latter.

“Yeah, well, everything Seungmin does is cool to you, anyway,” Jisung notes. Hyunjin opens his mouth to protest, but right then Jisung’s phone starts ringing. “It’s Minho-hyung!” he announces with a huge smile on his face, before turning around and walking the other direction to answer the call.

“Is Minho-hyung coming?” Hyunjin asks Felix.

“I’m not sure,” Felix answers. “I think Jisung asked him to come, but hyung wasn’t sure about his schedule yet. He must be very busy.”

Hyunjin nods in agreement. He barely sees Minho, too, ever since the older graduated two years ago. Minho is only really around during holidays, and during those times Hyunjin always sees him walking with Jisung in their neighborhood.

“What about your sister?”

“Oh, yes, noona’s coming later!” Felix answers with a smile. Doyeon is the only family with Felix here in the country, so Hyunjin can only imagine how lonely it must be for him when Doyeon moved to the dormitory in her university campus.

Hyunjin knows the last time Felix has seen her was last _Chuseok_ , which is at least close to his birthday so they were able to celebrate it late. Felix had excitedly shown them pictures of him and his sister when they got back to school after the holidays. Hyunjin remembers feeling really happy for his friend, too, and remembers thinking that the smile on Felix’s face had made him feel so warm.

“What about Changbin-hyung, though?” Felix asks Hyunjin this time. “Did he say anything about coming, too?”

“Not really,” Hyunjin answers sadly. He hasn’t really talked to Changbin since last month, and hasn’t seen the older in a year. Changbin goes to a university in a different city, so it’s really hard to meet up. But he does keep Hyunjin updated, like about his plans to apply for a student exchange program and about his new girlfriend (Hyunjin doesn’t recall her name, but he’s sure Changbin had once mentioned that they’re neighbors and have been friends since they were children).

“Oh. Well, I hope he’s doing fine,” says Felix. “Noona says they haven’t seen each other in a while, too.”

Hyunjin sighs. College must really be hard, he thinks.

“Minho-hyung’s going!” Jisung excitedly shouts as he comes running back towards them. “Minho-hyung says he’s going! But he’s gonna be late. We’ll probably just see him outside.”

“Great!” Felix claps his hands.

“Hyung says not to tell Seungmin, though,” Jisung lowers his voice as he adds. “I don’t know why.”

The other two nod in agreement. They probably wouldn’t get to talk to Seungmin until after the ceremony, anyway.

“We’ll be off, then!” Jisung tells Hyunjin. “Gotta go back to our room. See you later!”

“See you guys later,” Hyunjin says. He watches until Felix and Jisung enter their classroom before turning the other way.

And then Hyunjin sees _him_.

 

***

 

“I can’t believe this thing still works,” Seungmin says as he ticks open the small, vintage lamp sitting on top of Hyunjin’s desk. It’s a gift from Seungmin himself, on Hyunjin’s fifteenth birthday. At that time, Hyunjin didn’t even think the lamp works, because it looks so old, but Seungmin insisted it did, and since Seungmin bought it for him when he was on a trip with his dad, Hyunjin didn’t really care if it works or not.

It’s already been two years since then.

“The light’s a little fainter now, though,” Hyunjin notes. “I was gonna change the bulb but I think I like how it looks now. It feels more... vintage.”

“Yeah, like everything else in your room,” Seungmin replies, gesturing around the room.  Everything else inside Hyunjin’s room is, in fact, modern.

“You knew how my room looks like, you should’ve gotten me something that suits the interior,” Hyunjin jokes, although, yes, he has to admit that the lamp does look more than a little out of place.

Seungmin walks over to the bed and lies down. “I know,” he agrees. “But I saw that lamp and I thought to myself, ‘Hyunjin’s getting older in a few days, so this old lamp’s definitely gonna suit him.’”

Hyunjin, although laughing, throws a balled up piece of paper at his friend. “You hang out with Minho-hyung too much.”

“I barely even get to see him.”

“Now you sound like Jisung,” Hyunjin teases. The truth is, he still feels a little jealous of Minho, because even though he and Seungmin are barely seen together, Hyunjin knows that Seungmin talks to Minho a lot.

Seungmin doesn’t look at Minho _differently_ anymore, though, and truthfully, Hyunjin is still a little curious about it.

“Do you like Minho-hyung?” Hyunjin decides to ask.

Seungmin shoots up from bed. “What?” he replies, incredulous.

“Do you like—?”

“Yes, I heard you, Hyunjin,” his friend explains. “I just can’t think of any reason why you would suddenly ask me that.”

“Because…” Hyunjin trails off. _Because you used to look at him the same way he looks at Jisung_ , he wants to say. “Because Minho-hyung’s handsome,” he says instead.

“I used to have a crush on him back in, like, seventh grade,” answers Seungmin with a nonchalant shrug, like this isn’t earth-shattering news to Hyunjin, who’s gaping at him. “What?” Seungmin asks, his tone a little defensive. “Minho-hyung’s handsome, you said so yourself. Besides, he’s the first in our friend group to hit puberty, so I guess at that time he looked a lot cuter. But whatever, I got used to it during student council. He’s not that cute.”

Hyunjin stares at his friend from across the room, unbelieving. “I can’t believe you never told me,” he chides.  

“Please. It’s not like you ever told me you have a crush on Changbin-hyung.”

“What? I do _not_ have a crush on Changbin-hyung!”

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin huffs out. “You look at him like he holds the solution to all the world’s problems.”

“I don’t.”

“You do.”

“Do I, really?”

“Yes, Hyunjinnie. And it’s okay, you know? We’re at the age where we try to discover ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Except there _is_ , because Hyunjin doesn’t like Changbin _that_ way. Or, at least, not anymore. If he ever _did_ like Changbin, he’s at least sure that he likes a different person now.

“Seungminnie, does that mean, if I hit puberty earlier than Minho-hyung, you would’ve had a crush on me instead?” he asks without thinking, something he only ever does when he's with Seungmin.

“What?”

“You said Minho-hyung hit puberty first, that’s why you liked him, right?”

“W-well, yes. And he helped me a lot back when we were in student council together.”

“So… do you think you would’ve liked _me_ instead?”

It’s dark in Hyunjin’s room, with only the light coming from his lamp to aid him when he gazes at his friend, who just gazes back at him with brows slightly creased. He feels heat rise up his face and a weird feeling bubbling in his stomach. It’s the same weird feeling that bubbles up whenever he absently looks at Seungmin for the past few years, too, except this time it’s a lot more intense and it makes his heart want to jump out from his throat.

And then Seungmin looks away, and Hyunjin feels stupid, _so_ stupid, for asking that question. “I shouldn’t have asked that,” he says, “I’m sorry—.”

“Yes,” Seungmin whispers without looking, before busying himself with his phone.

Hyunjin stares at his best friend again, stares at the shadows playing on his face caused by the faint light of his lamp. He really likes the way Seungmin looks warm as the light shines on him, really likes the way Seungmin’s hair seems to glow and become a lighter shade of brown, really likes the way Seungmin’s lashes hide the specks of gold in his eyes as he looks down.

He thinks that maybe his own eyes are playing games on him, too, because he thinks he could see a slight dusting of pink on Seungmin’s cheeks—but Hyunjin must only be imagining things, it’s dark, after all.

“Please stop looking at me like that,” Seungmin says, still not looking up.

And then Hyunjin decides to finally ask what he’s _actually_ curious about.

“Are you really leaving?” he asks softly, quietly, as if saying it out loud suddenly confirms that it’s true, that his best friend is leaving for another city or another country, Hyunjin isn’t sure.

Seungmin sighs. He looks really tired, more tired than he usually looks, which shouldn’t make sense because it’s summer break, and their first year of high school doesn’t start until a few more weeks. “Did mom tell you?” he asks Hyunjin, who shakes his head.

“She told my mom,” he explains, “then my mom told me.”

“I wasn’t gonna tell you until I was sure.”

Seungmin’s parents have recently gotten divorced, and his dad is supposed to go live somewhere else (granted, his dad has never really been around much; Hyunjin has only seen him a couple times). His dad wants Seungmin to come with him, though, and this scares Hyunjin, because what if Seungmin really does want to go with his dad? Living in a different country sounds exciting, too. Even just moving to a different city sounds exciting.

Hyunjin wants to be happy for his best friend if he ever decides to go with his dad, he really does. He just isn’t sure _how_ he’s going to be happy if it means that he wouldn’t be able to see and talk to Seungmin everyday. Just the thought of them not walking home together, not spending nights at each other’s houses, not talking about their days… It breaks Hyunjin’s heart.

Hyunjin wants to say, _I’ll support your decision, whatever it may be. Moving to a different place sounds fun!_ Or, _Spend some time with your dad! I know you miss him a lot._

Instead, he says, with a crack in his voice, “Please don’t go.”

If Hyunjin is sure about only one thing, he thinks it’s that he doesn’t want Seungmin to go—he _never_ wants Seungmin to go.

Seungmin finally looks back at him. “Okay,” he says. “I won’t.”

And if Hyunjin _wants_ to be sure of only one more thing, he wants to be sure that he really is in love with Kim Seungmin.

 

***

 

Hyunjin stares as Seungmin walks up to him, stuck in place, unable to move or say anything, and he just listens to his own heart beating way too fast.

“Are you okay?” is the first thing Seungmin asks him once they’re face to face.

Hyunjin smiles awkwardly. “Yes,” he breathes out. He almost flinches when Seungmin brings a hand up to his forehead.

“Why are you red? Are you sick?”

“No, I’m not sick, Seungmin,” Hyunjin says with a light chuckle. “Are _you_ okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Hyunjin shrugs. “Jitters, maybe? Since you’re giving a speech later.”

“Oh. Well, then, yes, I am okay.”

“Good,” Hyunjin tells him. They both stand there silently, just facing each other, and Hyunjin doesn’t know what to do so he just looks at Seungmin. He thinks Seungmin looks cute with his round glasses and his hair styled nicely, but he thinks Seungmin would look a lot cuter without the glasses and with his hair slightly messy because of Hyunjin’s fingers running through them. He shakes his head at the thought.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Seungmin asks again, his brows creased and mouth curved downwards at the end in a frown.

This is the exact same look Seungmin had given Hyunjin four years ago, when Hyunjin had gone to school even though he was really not feeling well. Seungmin had asked in the morning when they’d met up in front of his house if Hyunjin was okay, and Hyunjin nodded yes. But Hyunjin only felt a lot worse when they had arrived in school, and Seungmin had gotten really worried that he checked on Hyunjin before and after each class ended. Hyunjin had been feeling groggy that whole day, but he had never failed to notice how Seungmin would glance at him even during classes—and that was really saying a lot because Seungmin always paid attention during classes.

“You should’ve told me you weren’t feeling okay!” Seungmin had told him later that day when they were home, and Hyunjin was lying down on his own bed.

“I didn’t want you to worry,” Hyunjin had replied.

“I was more worried the whole time during classes, idiot,” Seungmin had chided. Hyunjin had only laughed, weakly, because that was the first time Seungmin had ever called him an idiot. And Hyunjin had thought, _yes_ , he is a idiot. “Next time, you should tell me, okay?” Seungmin had made him promise. “You should always tell me when you’re not okay.” Hyunjin had nodded in agreement, even raising his hand to his chest, before falling asleep.

“Hyunjin, are you okay?” Seungmin’s voice brings him back to the present..

“No,” Hyunjin admits. “No, Seungminnie, I’m not.”

“Are you sick?” the other asks worriedly. He starts to raise his hand again to feel Hyunjin’s forehead, but Hyunjin grabs it instead. “Are you not feeling well?

“Seungminnie,” Hyunjin whispers. He doesn’t let go of Seungmin’s hand even when the latter gives him a questioning look. “I—.”

“Seungmin!” someone suddenly calls, startling the both of them, and Hyunjin has to let go of Seungmin’s hand. He turns to look at the owner of the voice; it’s a girl he doesn’t really know but sees with Seungmin often.

“Shuhua,” Seungmin greets her with a smile and a bow. “Did you need something?”

The girl, Shuhua, bows her head a little in acknowledgement of Hyunjin, and Hyunjin does the same. “Mr. Park wants to see you,” she says.

“Oh, okay.” Seungmin turns to Hyunjin. “You sure you’re not sick?” Hyunjin forces a smile and nods. “Okay, then. I’ll see you later.”

Hyunjin watches as his best friend leaves him alone in the hallway. He thinks about how _naturally_ Seungmin talked to him just seconds ago, like nothing happened last night. He sighs. At least he now knows that Seungmin isn’t upset.

“See you later,” he whispers.

 

***

 

When Seungmin turns nineteen, his dad gives him his old, slightly beaten up car as a birthday present.

“You can’t drive it yet, though,” Seungmin’s dad tells both him _and_ Hyunjin, as if sure that Seungmin would not be going anywhere without the the latter. Seungmin would never tell anyone, but Hyunjin knows he appreciates the fact that his dad still tries to involve himself in his life, even if just through ways as simple as knowing his friends’ names and faces.

“I don’t even know how to drive, dad,” Seungmin mumbles as he receives the car keys.

“If only you chose to come with me, then I could’ve taught you _how_ ,” his dad tells him. “It’s not too late, you know? You’re graduating high school soon, right? Plans for college? You can come to the U.S. with—.”

“Dad, please,” Seungmin sighs. “Not now. Hyunjin’s here.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, no, I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says immediately. “I could leave.”

“No, it’s okay,” Seungmin’s dad smiles at him. Hyunjin notes that, while Seungmin resembles his mom a lot, he got his smile from his dad. He turns to Seungmin, “You kids go on, I’m gonna talk to your mom for a while.” Then he walks back inside the house.

“Wow,” Hyunjin says when the two of them are left alone. “He got you a car. Happy birthday.”

“He didn’t get me a car, Hyunjin,” Seungmin points out. “He got himself a car years ago, and then he got himself a new car so he gave me this old one.”

“Well, it’s still a car.”

“It _is_ , Hyunjin. I can see that, too.”

“I’m sorry,” Hyunjin mumbles, holding up his arms in mock surrender.

“No, _I’m_ sorry,” Seungmin sighs. “It’s just, I hate it when he brings that shit up.”

Hyunjin nods. He hates it, too, really. He hates that Seungmin’s dad is right, Seungmin could’ve learned how to drive if he just went with his dad, he could’ve learned and experienced a lot of other things, too. The truth is, however happy Hyunjin may be that Seungmin stayed here, he can’t help but feel guilty whenever things like these are brought up.

“Wanna go for a walk?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Seungmin answers.

Hyunjin actually thinks he’s part of why Seungmin chose to stay, but then he thinks that this thought is such a self-absorbed thought, that he feels guilty about thinking it, too. Seungmin probably didn’t stay because of him, anyway.

“I think he just misses you,” says Hyunjin. “He hasn’t seen you in so long.”

“So, what?” Seungmin retorts, voice starting to rise, and Hyunjin is thankful they decided to go for a walk and are now a few meters away from the house. “Does he think I won’t miss mom and—?” Seungmin stops mid sentence.

 _And who?_ _And me?_ Hyunjin thinks, but pushes it away quickly.

“And this whole place,” Seungmin continues, more subdued. “I grew up here and he wants me to go to the U.S.?”

“College in the U.S. doesn’t sound bad, though,” Hyunjin shrugs.

“Yeah? Well, S.N.U. doesn’t sound bad, either.”

“You know he just wants what’s best for you, right?”

Seungmin laughs, hollow and humorless. “Of course, he’d know what’s best for me. He’s barely around even before he and mom got divorced.”

Hyunjin couldn’t argue with that, really. He remembers back when they were in primary, Seungmin would sometimes complain to Hyunjin about his dad not being around much, he would tell Hyunjin that he often misses his dad, but as time went by, he’d eventually stopped talking about his dad altogether. Hyunjin thinks he hasn’t had a conversation with Seungmin about his dad until summer break before high school, when he confronted Seungmin about leaving town, which was more than a year ago.

“Seungmin—,” he starts, but was cut off when they heard someone shout, making them both stop in their tracks.

“Seungminnie!” the person calls from behind them. “Happy birthday!” And then footsteps.

“Jisung, Minho-hyung!” Hyunjin greets them. “Hi.”

“Where are you guys going?” Jisung asks.

“Nowhere, really. Just walking around.”

“Oh. Hey, Seungmin, happy birth—wait, are those…” Jisung snatches the keys from Seungmin’s hand. “Car keys! You got a car?”

“Give it back, please,” Seungmin tries to take his keys back, but Jisung’s already smiling so widely, it makes Hyunjin nervous.

Jisung turns to Minho. “Hyung,” he says, “you have a license, right?”

“No,” Seungmin says at the same time Minho says, “Yes.”

 

Minho drives them to the Han River, with Seungmin in the passenger's seat, leaving Hyunjin with Jisung in the backseat. Hyunjin watches as Minho occasionally glances at Seungmin and explains a few things, sometimes pointing here and there at something inside the car. Seungmin listens intently and looks at Minho all the time.

 _I’m not jealous_ , Hyunjin tells himself as he takes long breaths. He’s _not_ jealous. There’s nothing to be jealous of. Seungmin doesn't like Minho like that, not anymore.

But… Seungmin doesn’t like Hyunjin, either.

“Dude, you okay?” Jisung nudges his arm, eyes wide with concern.

“Yeah,” Hyunjin says simply. _Are_ you _okay_? he’s tempted to ask, because he thinks Jisung likes Minho, too, but he doesn't ask. He just sighs one last time and looks out the window.

 

The Han River at night is a really pretty sight, Hyunjin thinks as he gazes out into the light-reflected water. The city is pretty, too, as it’s filled with a million different lights against the night sky.

He breathes in the cool, September air, and thinks about how nice it must be to do this while holding someone’s hand.

Then his gaze falls on the person whose hand he so badly wants to to hold, the same person it always falls on—Seungmin.

He thinks about how nice it must be to hold Seungmin’s hand, with the intent to never let it go. He _has_ held hands with Seungmin before, plenty of times, but he thinks it _must_ feel different to hold hands knowing that they both feel the same way. But Hyunjin pushes the thought away, because he’s convinced himself that Seungmin doesn’t feel the same.

Hyunjin watches and laughs lightly as Seungmin loses a game of rock-paper-scissors against Jisung. Seungmin stands up, squats, and lets Jisung climb up his back. Seungmin walks towards the car with Jisung on his back, laughing.

The car’s headlights are on, and they are dim compared to the city lights, but the way they shine on Seungmin’s figure makes Hyunjin want to just stand there with him and maybe hug him and kiss him, too—nevermind Jisung.

“You know, if you stare at him hard enough you’d eventually be able to read his mind,” Minho says suddenly, almost making Hyunjin jump. He didn’t notice when Minho walked over to sit beside him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung,” answers Hyunjin, averting his eyes. He really thought he wasn’t being too obvious.

“Right.”

“Hyung,” he turns to look at Minho. “Am I _that_ obvious?”

“What do you think?”

Hyunjin sighs. “I think I’m doomed,” he says. “Doomed and hopeless.”

“Hopelessly in love, you mean?”

“That, too.”

“I don’t think it’s hopeless, though,” Minho comments, smiling and looking ahead. Hyunjin follows his line of sight and sees Seungmin looking back at him, smiling. He feels his face flush and hears Minho chuckle lightly beside him. “Come on,” the older says, “let’s go home. If Seungmin’s parents get mad, tell them this was all Jisung’s idea.”

 

***

 

Hyunjin looks around the hall for approximately the ninth time the past hour. He’s made eye contact with Felix for at least three times and Jisung has waved at him for about five times now, too, but he hasn’t seen Seungmin again yet.

He eyes the empty seat on the row before where he’s sitting. He knows Seungmin is supposed to sit there, but he doesn’t know where Seungmin is. No one else seems bothered, though, as everyone else seems preoccupied with what’s happening in front, where students from a different class are already lining up on the stage.

Hyunjin sees a few people he knows, and he smiles at them even though he isn’t sure if they even notice him. He also sees the girl who called Seungmin earlier, Yeh Shuhuah, smiling and looking pretty, and Hyunjin thinks she should be standing on a beauty pageant stage instead of a boring graduation ceremony.

Applause is heard all around him as the students receive their diplomas and head down the stage to make room for the next class of graduates—Felix and Jisung’s class. Hyunjin watches as they all stand up, and he sees Felix give Jisung a hi-five before they’re both standing up on the stage. He beams at his friends and holds two thumbs up, mouthing, _Congratulations!_ Jisung grins back at him and Felix holds a thumb up as well.

And then Hyunjin’s class is called next. He stands up, looks around again, and he finally spots Seungmin standing near the stage. He looks rather small beside some of the teachers, but he still looks _so_ bright as he smiles at Hyunjin from a distance.

Hyunjin walks towards the stage with a sudden feeling of happiness and sadness at once. He feels happy, because _finally_ , he and his friends are graduating. He feels sad, _also_ because he and his friends are graduating. It all suddenly feels like too little and too much again. It feels a little weird, too, taking his diploma from his homeroom teacher. And now it feels great as he’s stepping down the stage and passing by Seungmin, who grabs his hand and holds it for a few more seconds until Hyunjin needs to walk back to his seat.

“Congratulations, man,” Bomin, who’s sitting beside him, greets him. Hyunjin smiles and greets him, too.

 _We made it_ , he thinks to himself. _Wow._

There’s talk all around him now, students greeting each other. He almost misses as the principal begins to introduce Seungmin.

“...please give a round of applause for Kim Seungmin from class III-1!”

Hyunjin claps his hands so hard, his palms hurt, and he smiles so wide, his cheeks hurt, too. Seungmin enters from the side of the stage, smiling, looking prim and proper as he walks to the center of the stage.

Seungmin starts to speak, he greets everyone and bows courteously, he smiles a little shyly and Hyunjin feels something funny in his stomach when Seungmin looks directly at him and his smile goes a little wider.

 _I’m proud of you_ , Hyunjin mouths, and he’s sure Seungmin understood every syllable because his smile goes even more wide, all the shyness now gone.

Seungmin stands there on the stage, delivering his very well thought out, well written, well rehearsed speech. The bright, white, LED lights inside the hall shines on him, and Hyunjin couldn’t help but think that Seungmin looks a lot more beautiful under pale orange light.

 

***

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day!” Jisung greets Hyunjin as soon as they see each other during lunch. Jisung grins widely at him before handing him a bar of chocolate. “There. You have to give me three bars of chocolate on White Day!”

Hyunjin laughs. Ever since middle school, Jisung has been constantly giving all of his close friends bars of chocolates on Valentine’s, and demanding they should give three times as much the next month.

“Doesn’t this defeat the purpose?” Hyunjin remembers Seungmin asking the first time Jisung had given them chocolates, “you’re supposed to give these to someone you like, to confess to them, not to your friends just so they’d give you back your chocolates.”

But Jisung _does_ get his chocolates back—at least, most of them. Minho actually gives him thrice as much like he asks. Felix gives twice as much. Changbin and Hyunjin both give just one bar of chocolate back. Seungmin doesn’t give anyone anything.

“Here,” Jisung says after a mouthful of rice. He hands Hyunjin another bar. “Give this to Seungmin.”

“What?” he asks, surprised. Why does Jisung want him to give Seungmin chocolate? Does Jisung know he likes Seungmin? Did Minho tell him?

“Give this to him. I won’t be seeing him later.”

“Oh.” _Oh._ Hyunjin realizes Jisung just wants him to hand it over. Which makes complete sense because Hyunjin and Seungmin go to the same _hagwon_ , though they’re taking different classes. Hyunjin still waits for Seungmin everyday, too, at the fire exit, even when sometimes Seungmin takes too long and the night is already getting late.

“I wish Seungmin gave me chocolates at least once before high school ends,” Jisung mutters, which makes Hyunjin chuckle. Today, conveniently, is the last day of high school. Tomorrow, they graduate, so Jisung’s wish isn’t going to come true.

“You already received a lot of chocolates,” Hyunjin says, pointing to the paper bag on the table which he knows are full chocolates, too. Jisung is pretty popular in school, that’s why he gets a lot during Valentine’s. Hyunjin wonders if he has ever given anyone chocolates on White Day, too.

“Yeah, but none of those are from Seungmin!”

“Why do you want him to give you chocolates so badly?” Hyunjin asks. He places his own _haul_ , a paper bag slightly bigger than Jisung’s, on the table and sits down across his friend.

“Woah, that’s a lot,” Jisung comments as he peers inside the bag. “Hey, has Seungmin ever given you anything?”

“Why would he give me anything?” Hyunjin replies. He tries to play it off with a laugh, but the truth is, he _is_ slightly sad that Seungmin has never given him anything on Valentine’s.

Jisung shrugs. “Because you’re best friends?” he says. “Minho-hyung and I give each other stuff on Valentine’s Day.”

 _That’s because Minho-hyung_ likes _you_ , Hyunjin thinks. _Seungmin doesn’t like me like that_.

Before he could think of what to actually say, though, Felix arrives. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Jisung greets him and hands him his bar of chocolate.

 

When Hyunjin gets to the fire exit, he finds Seungmin sitting on the stairs, already waiting for him. It’s already dark, and Seungmin’s figure is almost unrecognizable under the dim light. Hyunjin would still recognize him anywhere, though.

He smiles up at Hyunjin. “Happy Valentine’s Day and all that shit,” he greets blandly.

“You sound _very_ happy,” Hyunjin tells him with a smile. He sits down beside Seungmin. “Do you want some?” he asks, handing his paper bag now full of sweets.

“No, thanks. I’m good,” Seungmin points to his own bag of sweets, too. “I don’t even like chocolate that much.”

“I’m sure Jisung would love those.”

“That’s mean, you know? People give you chocolates because they like you, then you’d give them to someone else?”

Hyunjin just shrugs.

“I’m gonna do that, anyway,” Seungmin says, which makes Hyunjin laugh. “I’ll give them to my mom.”

“I’m sure she’ll be pleased her son gets a lot of confessions every year.”

“Says _you_. Pretty sure the chocolates your mom sometimes gives me are all from your admirers.”

This is true. Hyunjin just sticks his chocolates inside their fridge for his parents to find. He receives _a lot_ every year, since the latter years of primary school, because… _well_ , Hyunjin is handsome. And tall. And nice. Not that he thinks that about himself, it’s just what most people around him say.

“So,” Seungmin starts again. “How was  the last day of _hagwon_?”

“We didn’t really have class,” Hyunjin answers. “The teacher kind of just… gave us advice. About college, life in university, that stuff. It’s pretty inspiring, actually. Lots of girls gave him chocolates, too, but he didn’t accept them. He said he already has someone.”

Seungmin nods. “Good for him.”

“Yeah. How’s yours?”

“Boring. We had our final lesson and a quiz, too.”

“Wow. You know, sometimes I think we actually go to different institutions.”

“Yeah. I’d love to hear inspiring college advice, too,” Seungmin says. “Minho-hyung doesn’t make sense everytime he tries to give me advice.”

Hyunjin laughs again. Minho does try to give them advice, but it mostly ends up getting weird. Sometimes, though, he gives useful advice, too, like which classes to get, or which shifts certain nice librarians work. Ultimately, though, those tips aren’t useful to Hyunjin, because he wouldn’t be going to the same university. Seungmin would, so mainly those advices are for him. Minho even offered to share an apartment with Seungmin once classes start in university, and Seungmin is set to move in a day or two after graduation. 

“Tomorrow, things change, don’t they?” Seungmin suddenly whispers. Hyunjin could hear the bittersweetness in his best friend’s quiet voice. It carries so much and so little at the same time.

Tomorrow, they graduate; tomorrow, do they say goodbye, too?

“Oh,” Hyunjin remembers. “I have something for you—well, Jisung does.” He hands Seungmin the slightly melted bar of chocolate from Jisung.

Seungmin’s smile looks sad as he accepts the confession of love from their friend. “Thanks,” he says.

And then, “I have something for you, too, actually.”

Hyunjin’s eyes widen in surprise as Seungmin reaches for a box inside his bag and hands it over to him. He thinks this can’t be real. He stares at Seungmin as if this isn’t really happening.

“Don’t worry,” Seungmin adds hastily when it takes too long for Hyunjin to reply. “It’s not some love confession or anything. I just wanted to give you chocolates, and the dog on the packaging looks like Kkami. You don’t have to accept it if you don’t want—.”

“I’m in love with you,” Hyunjin blurts out. His heart is beating so fast he’s afraid it might really jump out of his chest. “I’m in love with you, Kim Seungmin.”

He doesn’t know what it is that makes him do what he does next; maybe it’s the spur of the moment, maybe it’s the way Seungmin looked so beautiful against the pale light coming from the single light bulb above their heads, maybe it’s the way Seungmin looked back at him with wide, glossy, brown eyes with specks of gold, maybe it’s the fact that both of them are actually really scared of what’s going to happen next.

Hyunjin swears he could hear his own heart beating so quickly and loudly, a lot more than it does whenever he goes on his weekly evening runs.

He swears he could hear it breaking, too.

Seungmin doesn’t reciprocate his feelings, Hyunjin convinces himself. Even as Seungmin kisses him back, he tells himself that this is all just because of the momentum, of the build up, of the sudden burst of emotion and nostalgia from the both of them. Hyunjin is sure that, if it were any other moment, he wouldn’t be kissing Seungmin and Seungmin wouldn’t be kissing him back.

That’s why he lets himself linger for a few more moments, lets his arms stay around Seungmin’s waist, lets his lips connect with Seungmin’s thinner yet _infinitely_ softer ones, lets his tongue explore Seungmin’s mouth the way he’s always imagined for the past three years.

That’s why he tries to pull Seungmin even closer, tries to hug him even tighter, tries to kiss him even harder, until Seungmin pulls at his hair, bites his lower lip, gasps out his name, and leaves him completely undone.

That’s also why he pulls away first.

 

***

 

“Sucks that we don’t get to throw flour and eggs at each other,” Jisung mumbles. “Minho-hyung said they still got to do that.”

They’re outside of the hall now, lost in the sea of happy, noisy high school _graduates_ , taking pictures, hugging each other, crying. Hyunjin himself would’ve probably cried, too, if Felix hadn’t just almost tripped when going down the stairs earlier.

“The first person I’d throw an egg at would be you,” Seungmin tells Jisung. “Since Changbin-hyung isn’t around.”

Hyunjin laughs; he always does whenever Seungmin says something like this about Changbin, since he very well knows that Seungmin actually admires Changbin a little. (“Just a little,” Seungmin said that one time Hyunjin asked if he looks up to Changbin, too. “Just a tiny little bit of admiration, because he has no shame at all.”)

“Rude,” Jisung notes.

“Why would we do that if we could just cook the eggs instead, though?” asks Felix.

“Right,” Seungmin agrees. “Wouldn’t wanna waste my eggs on Jisung or Changbin-hyung.”

“Oh!” Jisung exclaims. “Speaking of Changbin-hyung, I think I saw him earlier today with a girl, but then I thought that couldn’t be him because the girl’s _really_ pretty.”

“That’s mean,” Hyunjin says, laughing. He thinks he’s the only one who knows about Changbin’s girlfriend, although he isn’t exactly sure if this is the same girl. “Hyung’s not so bad.”

“That’s because you have a crush on him,” Jisung points out.

“I do _not_ —!”

“Jisungie!” Minho calls from somewhere near the parking lot, he has a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Jisung immediately runs to him, all smiles. Hyunjin thinks it would’ve been a scene fit for a romantic teenage movie, if only Minho didn’t just try to run away from Jisung, making the younger chase him all across the school grounds.

“They’re never gonna tell each other, are they?” Seungmin says suddenly. He was standing close to Hyunjin—too close, Hyunjin thinks, because he could almost feel the former’s breath tickle his ear. Before Hyunjin could think of an answer, Seungmin speaks again, “Anyway, it’s not like they need to.”

Hyunjin watches as the two finally make their way back towards their group. Minho has an arm around Jisung’s waist, and even from the distance Hyunjin notices the pinkish tint of Jisung’s face. Some people around are giving them weird looks, but they don’t seem to care. Minho is only looking at Jisung and while the latter may be looking at the flowers in his hands, his smile is just as wide.

There’s a swell of pride that Hyunjin feels upon seeing his friends like that, like they don’t care about what other people might think or say, like they’re not scared of the world and its harshness towards people who stray from the norm. Along with that swell of pride, though, comes a pang of guilt and a tinge of sadness, because Hyunjin has been scared for three years now or even more, and he wishes it weren’t so.

And even though he _has_ already confessed to Seungmin, he’s still immensely scared, specially of what the latter might tell him. He tries not to think about it, though, but it gets terribly hard because Seungmin is so close that Hyunjin thinks he can just pull him in and kiss him hard again _but_ he thinks that Seungmin is also so painfully unreachable.

“Hyunjinnie. Seungminnie! Congratulations!” Minho says loudly before clapping Hyunjin on the back and giving Seungmin a playful headlock.

“Hyung,” Seungmin says sternly as he lets Minho envelop him in a real hug this time. “You told me you had an exam today.”

Minho looks at him with wide eyes. “I did?” he asks innocently.

“You ditched your exam, didn’t you?”

“I did?”

“Unbelievable.”

“Ah, hyung is really cool!” Jisung says, grinning widely.

“That’s _not_ cool—,” Seungmin starts to lecture them, but he gets cut off by Felix’s sudden squeal of excitement.

“Noona!” Felix calls out. “Noona, over here!”

Hyunjin looks to where Felix is facing, and sure enough, he sees Doyeon, smiling widely, holding flowers for her brother in one hand and walking with arms already open as Felix runs to her.

“Doyeon-noona is… really pretty,” Seungmin mumbles. Minho nods in agreement. Jisung stares at Minho. Hyunjin is a little confused. Does Seungmin like Doyeon?

He feels slightly confused as he watches Doyeon walk back to them with her arm slung around Felix’s shoulders. Felix is beaming, literally radiating glow, both he and his sister, and it extinguishes any confusion or jealousy Hyunjin felt just a few seconds ago.

“Kids!” Doyeon greets them, too. “Congratulations!”

“Noona, we’re _adults_ now!” Jisung tells her with a grin, as he tries to stand on his toes to match Doyeon’s height.

Doyeon just laughs and slings an arm around Jisung, too. “You’re still a kid,” she tells him. “Where’d you get those flowers?”

“Minho-hyung!”

“Oh?” She turns to Minho. “Oppa,” she says, comfortably. Hyunjin heard that they go to the same university. “Aren’t you in the same class as Dahyun-eonnie?”

Dahyun, Hyunjin has heard from Felix, as well, is Doyeon’s roommate at the dorm. Hyunjin doesn’t know her, really, but Felix talks about her sometimes because he claims that she’s really nice. Minho knowing Dahyun is news to Hyunjin, though, but he guesses he shouldn’t really be surprised.

“I am,” Minho answers, unashamed of apparently having ditched an exam to come here.

“Don’t you have exams today? She’s been studying all night, her side of the room radiates stress.”

“You must be tired, then.”

“I got to see my baby brother so I’m not tired,” she says simply. “I’m guessing you aren’t tired, too, since you got to see—,” Minho gives her a pointed look, “—your friends.”

“I _am_ tired,” the older explains. “That’s why I was just going home today but I decided to pay these losers a visit since they miss me so much.”

“Hyung, I _do_ miss you a lot,” says Jisung.

“I don’t,” Seungmin mumbles, making Hyunjin giggle. Seungmin turns to look at him. “Let’s go find mom,” he says. Hyunjin nods; he takes the hand Seungmin offers him, and tries to ignore the mildly questioning looks their friends are giving them as they’re saying goodbye.

“Don’t forget dinner later!” Jisung calls after them.

 

Hyunjin is still holding Seungmin’s hand when they see Changbin.

“Hyung!” Seungmin is the one to call the older’s attention. “Changbin-hyung!”

“Seungminnie!” Changbin walks to them, with a girl trailing a few steps behind him. _Jisung was right_ , Hyunjin thinks; the girl with Changbin _is_ very pretty. “Hyunjinnie,” Changbin says as he squeezes Hyunjin with a hug. He tries to do the same with Seungmin, but Seungmin pushes him away too soon. “Congratulations!”

“Thanks, hyung!” answers Hyunjin. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

“Of course, I would,” the older answers. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“You’ve already missed it, actually,” Seungmin points out.

“Oh.” Changbin says, as if only really realizing the ceremony’s over. “Anyway,” he says again, this time he pulls the girl gently by the hand and slings an arm around her shoulder. “This is Chaeyeonie, my girlfriend,” he introduces. He turns to her this time and points at the other two, “This is Hyunjinnie and this is Seungminnie.”

“Hello,” Chaeyeon greets them. They both bow back and greet her, too. “Congratulations on graduating high school.”

“She just graduated high school last week, too!” Changbin proudly announces, making her face slightly pink.

“Congratulations, too, Chaeyeon-ssi!” Hyunjin says to her with a smile.

“I’m driving her to her dorm today, that’s why I couldn’t come to the ceremony. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, hyung,” Seungmin assures him. “No one misses you.”

Hyunjin laughs; he hears Chaeyeon laugh, too. “Hey, why are you laughing at me?” Changbin asks her jokingly. He turns back to the two again. “I’m gonna go find the rest, yeah? See you guys later at dinner. Bye.”

Seungmin bows his head. “Bye, Chaeyeon-ssi,” he says, and completely turns around before Changbin could say anything.

“Ah, Chaeyeon-ssi’s really pretty,” Hyunjin whispers after a while.

“Yeah,” Seungmin agrees, “I can’t believe it, either.”

“That wasn’t what I meant.”

“I know. I’m sure Minho-hyung’s gonna tease him so much, though.”

 

“Why are you standing so far away from each other?” Hyunjin’s mom asks, and Hyunjin recognizes the genuine confusion on her face and in her voice. “Did you guys fight?”

“No,” Seungmin answers her. “Here,” he says, snaking an arm around Hyunjin’s waist to pull him closer to his side. This makes both their mothers smile, and they immediately take pictures.

Hyunjin smiles for his mom (and Seungmin’s, too), letting them take as much photos as they want because he thinks he understands how they might feel now that he and Seungmin are both adults and have graduated high school.

It really seems so long ago when Hyunjin first met Seungmin. It really feels like too much has happened, but there are still things that haven’t happened yet and Hyunjin isn’t sure if they’re ever still going to happen, but he wishes so badly that they still would.

For now, though, he feels genuine happiness for what has already happened, specially when Seungmin whispers close to his ear, “Congratulations, Hyunjinnie.”

 

***

 

Dinner with friends was great, as expected. Everyone was there, even Doyeon, who’s staying the night at her and Felix’s apartment. As usual, though, Changbin arrived late, and somehow Minho and Seungmin together were able to justify with that reason that Changbin should be the one to pay for their food.

Tonight was a little different from previous dinners, too, because this time Hyunjin, Seungmin, Felix, and Jisung were allowed to drink alcohol. And, boy, did Hyunjin learn that alcohol really does make people act differently.

After just a few shots of soju, Jisung was already a lot clingier to Minho than usual, and Minho’s usual show of playfully pushing him away was entirely gone that night as he had an arm wrapped firmly around Jisung as the younger nuzzled his neck.

Felix, on ther hand, started crying. “I’m gonna miss you guys so much,” he kept on saying while Doyeon tried to calm him down even though she was kind of laughing at him, too.

Changbin just fell asleep. (Luckily, Minho had made sure to get his card before the alcohol was brought out.)

Seungmin, too, acted a little differently. He held Hyunjin’s hand the whole time, he even leaned his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder, whining, “I don’t like soju.” Which made Hyunjin giggle and smile until he realized that this was only happening because of the alcohol. He had to convince himself the whole time that it didn’t mean anything, that Seungmin holding his hand and kissing his neck was all just because of the stupid, fucking alcohol and not because of what happened between them last night.

And now, as they both walk the achingly familiar road back home, just the two of them, hand in hand, Hyunjin has to keep himself from just stopping in the middle of the street and placing his mouth on Seungmin’s and pulling him close until there’s no more space between them and they’re both gasping for air. So he just walks, and stares when he thinks Seungmin doesn’t notice, and thinks to himself if he really wants to risk this friendship.

“I’m sorry,” he finally says. Seungmin turns to him and just stares, confused. “Last night,” Hyunjin explains. “For kissing you.”

“Oh,” Seungmin says, softly. “You _are_?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

_Why?_

Because Hyunjin thinks he’s almost ruined what they already have and he’s sure that if that ever actually happens, he wouldn’t be able to forgive and live with himself. Because he’s convinced himself that Seungmin doesn’t really feel the same. Because he’s scared he might drive his best friend, his favorite person in the world, away. Hyunjin thinks he could list so many more reasons _why_ he’s sorry, but his mouth suddenly feels dry and his voice is stuck in his throat.

He doesn’t answer. Seungmin doesn’t push him to, either. They both just walk silently, still holding each others’ hands, until they stop in front of Seungmin’s house.

Hyunjin heaves a sigh. “Seungminnie,” he starts to say, but Seungmin cuts him off.

“I want you to know,” he tells Hyunjin, “that _I’m_ not sorry for kissing you back. And for giving you those chocolates yesterday, but I’m not, like, asking you to give me something back next month because that defeats the purpose of White Day and I don’t want you to just feel burdened and think that I’m forcing you to—.”

“Seungminnie,” Hyunjin repeats.

“Yes?” Seungmin answers. He looks nervous, and this makes Hyunjin sad because Seungmin is rarely nervous.

“I’m in love with you.”

Hyunjin always wants to remember the way the faint light of the lamp posts by their houses illuminates Seungmin’s face as he gazes back at him, the way his smile looks a hundred times brighter and warmer. He wants this image ingrained in his brain; he would keep it there, safely tucked in the most secure part of his memory, take it out whenever he would feel lonely in the future. He wants to savor the way Seungmin looks now, now that there are still bits and pieces of him that he chooses to only show Hyunjin.

“Me, too,” Seungmin tells him.

He always wants to remember how Seungmin is the one to kiss him first this time, at the exact same spot where they had first seen each other. He never wants to forget how Seungmin’s lips feel soft against his own, how their bodies feel warm pressed together, how Seungmin breathes out his name when they finally pull apart.

“I can’t believe this,” Seungmin whispers onto Hyunjin’s neck after catching his breath.

“Me, neither,” Hyunjin says.

“I thought you were just messing with me last night.”

“Why would you even think that?”

“I don’t know, idiot, maybe because I practically confessed to you and then you told me you’re in love with me then you kiss me and then today you suddenly say _sorry_?”

Despite everything, Hyunjin laughs, until Seungmin slaps him on the back a little too hard. “Sorry,” mumbles Hyunjin.

“Stop saying sorry.”

“Okay.” He kisses Seungmin’s cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“If you wake up early enough, sure.”

Hyunjin laughs again as he hugs Seungmin a little tighter and kisses him one last time before letting him go. He watches as Seungmin waves back at him from his front door and finally disappears inside the house.

 _“Tomorrow, things change, don’t they?”_ Seungmin had asked him just yesterday.

He thinks about the changes that have already happened in just the span of twenty-four hours or even less. High school is over. Hyunjin can’t keep his promise to walk with Seungmin to and from school anymore. He, Seungmin, Felix, and Jisung all had their first shot of alcohol. The four of them are going to different universities. Seungmin will move in with Minho soon. Hyunjin now knows that he still has time to take Seungmin to concerts _and_ to amusement parks _and_ to nightly walks by the Han River.

 _Yes_ , Hyunjin thinks. _They do._ Because he now knows that Seungmin feels the same, and that really _does_ change a lot of things.

**Author's Note:**

> high school best friends to lovers seungjin, i scream at the top of my lungs  
> anyway congratulations seungmin and hyunjin for graduating! also, happy valentine's day!
> 
> [curiouscat](http://www.curiouscat.me/straychz) // [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/gonemp4)


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